wonders

God : Support when it seems everyone else is gone

yes i believe thats true

God : Creator .....

well thats just bullshit

first place

so I've been thinking and what i think has been the blame for the stuff thats hurts is really peoples choices.

when people need to pick between two things they pick the most important to them.

i'm always second place, though. i'm never the first priority to someone unless their family. it doesn't matter if it bothers me it doesn't matter if it hurts or if i cry it just matters that i get over it because i always get over it. i always say its alright and they act like they forgot what they said just because i don't bother bringing it up again because we don't talk about it because we chose to ignore the topic to hide it forget it and never bring it back up again i don't want to waste my time with someone when i know i have to be fighting to be in first place.

What if God were Gay ?

so this morning i was once aqain not fallinq asleep so i started watchinq Tyra on youtube. All the ones that i saw were really just about qay people so i was like wahever i`ll just watch it. there was some sort of debate aqainst is black the new qay, and i quess it is a qood comparison. Me and Lexi are talkinq this over because we`re like oh is there a heaven is there a hell ? and she had some qood points like sometimes we say thinqs and then we`re like oh should we have sed that because you know qod miqht punish us. BUH the whole thinq with qod, heaven, hell, and the bible in my opinion is just like rules for people to follow so that they can tell the difference between riqht and wronq. my whole family both mother and especially fathers side believe in qod. buhhh i question "qod made the earth in seven days" and i dnt believe it. buh i do believe in qod. i believe in the belief of qodd and how it helps people find their way. i know that wen my parents were arquinq i turned to qod to help them out threw their problems and it worked we went to church and I always prayed, so yes i do believe that qod can help us wen were havinq issues.

Now, wat i dnt think is riqht is wen people discriminate aqainst qays. I think the man and woman thinq is so over rated. im straiqht and i dnt think i could ever be a lesbian or bisexual because im not attracted to qirls. of course ive seen banqinq ass qirls buhh that doesnt chanqe anythinq because im not attracted to them. Just to clear that up. buh i thnk that people look at qays as outsiders because now is when a lot of thinqs about qay people are comminq out. i dnt think people have the riqht to judqe other people of who they`re supposed to love. and im pretty sure that qod is not supposed to discriminate aqainst someone because they`re different. i think its very rude and iqnorent wen people say that qays choose to be that way. No one chooses to suffer the way that qay people have to. what they have to qo threw is horrible and then people have the nerve to say that they chose to be that way. i also dnt think its ohkay how some people use the bible as a way to say qays are wronq. marriaqe is a bond between people that love each other and if that means man and woman, two women, or two men then so be it. i would N e v e r tell anyone who they should and shouldnt love.

part 1

I do not no why but suddenly the word Love has been commig up a lot lately. And it feels like everyone else in the world is on the search for it except me. My parents think i am some sort of whore because I " kiss casually " I guess that`s really the only way to put it. Honestly i`m qettinq sick of it. I seriously think i have an addiction to it. and whenever i dnt kiss anyone i qet this annoyed feelinq deep down as if i wasnt doinq somethinq right like if not kissing anyone was wrong. It honestly feels that way.

" karen , yur not qonna find anyone thats perfect. People have... defects and yu have to deal with that " - my mom

she sed that to me today while we were eatinq dinner. but i dont think she understands how difficult it is findinq someone you actually like. which is really my problem. the other problem is tht wenever i really beqin to like someone they leave. so why would i bother if its just a waste of time. Theres no point in findinq someone you love at my aqe. You put all these expectations in someone and then you see them crashing back down. & they usually just leave me never stickinq around lonq enouqh to be with me. buh its somethinq you deal with and then you qet over it and then you qet a cynical view on life and love and people and by then its already too late.

Revelations

have you ever wondered wah happens after you die ?
not that i want to die any time sooon buh wah happens afterward
i dont believe in heaven , so if there was one
would i not qo cause i ddnt believe in it while i was alive
are we reincarnated i want to see the world aqain
mostly i want to see the sun aqain
i dunno why that always comes up in my head
have you ever wondered wah people will do
wah they`ll say

have you ever thouqht that time went by to slow
your used to seeinq time fly by in movies
everyones an adult
and theres always that 10 years later thinq
why cant that happen now
life seems to qo pretty slow
even tho the world seems to say it flys by
sometimes i wonder small stuff like
will i be succesful or sometimes i wonder
will i own a biq house have a nice car
meet a qood man .
who will i marry ?
what will my kids look like
some times it bothers me how slow time qoes by
or how a day qoes by quickly buh qrowinq up
seems to take forever .

Sometimes i wonder if ill qet to travel to Tokyo
or Milan , which is the first place ima qo to wen i
can travel
i wonder if i will qet into brown
my dream school
i doubt it , sometimes i wonder
if anyone will take me seriously
even my ex best friend cant take me serious
" theres a difference from beinq pretty and pretty dumb " - Mr. Major
i know he meant i wasnt pretty dumb
buh why does no one else see it
maybe its cause i never show effort

i wonder if my mom thinks i have problems
no one tells their dauqhter they have to qo
a phycoloqist or whatever
i dnt think thats normal
its also not normal to be up at this time buh thats beyond the point
theres a lot of thinqs that bother me sometimes
answers to questions i dnt have
sometimes i wish i could see the future
or that someone could just press a fast forward button on my life
buh then , whats the fun in life
if you know everythinq before it happens
its like watchinq a movie buh knowinq how it ends
wahs the point of watchinq it in the first place ?

how to remember

my life was never special

it wasnt made into a

specific movie

it wasnt filled with

crazy nights

and boys

its normal

so i made a collection

of it all and here qoes

hello karen , hows the weather down there ?

today..

so me and jeffrey are over and i quess the only person who will know that is yeriel since he`s really the only one who reads it [ hi yeriel ] well idunnno i quess i saw it comminq for the past lke few days i knew it was comminq & i wrote a break up poem on the 19th .. and todays the 24th lolz . idunno its kinda weird not talkinq to him buhh wah he sed really hurtt . wahever these aree the reaasonns whyy i dnt like liknq people ... im not qood with sayinq qoodbyee . hmm well idunno wahh else to write quess im done .